Blog by Lee Ann Ropes

My propensity toward motherhood was minimal.

It's not that I didn't want mothering to come naturally. It just didn't. The creative element was easy. Heart shaped lunch sandwiches. Elaborate birthdays parties and favor bags. Travel agent for trips to the zoo and circus. All of these tasks I considered fun. They were a piece of cake. But, sitting down to play a game, establishing a healthy routine, exercising patience - I struggled and admired those mothers who seemed to have it together with no effort at all. They had the nurturing element I lacked. Sigh.

As my girls got older, and the challenges more complicated, I pondered my role in their lives. How does one begin to set boundaries after they've reached their teens? Ahhh. A creative solution was what I sought. A visual to guide me and them. It turned out to be, of all things, a bowling alley.

With an elaborately painted picture of a bowling lane, I described that my job was to act as their 'gutter bumpers.' Their job was a straight path down the lane. If they veered off into unacceptable behavior and/or danger (aka - the gutters), the bumper, also known as mom, would be there to guide them back into the middle of the lane and to safety.

This image worked for me. I thought it ingenious. Now years later, I realize I never even asked them if it worked for them. Maternal instincts gone awry again!

Today, I am in need of my own bumpers. Daily I find myself bouncing from one side to the other of the lane. Truth is, my body should be bruised from the constant crisscrossing. If I weren't so defiant, I might find it embarrassing to be adrift in indecision, homelessness, and a soul, searching for what ails it. Stubbornness and a judgemental nature are my achilles' heels. This, is no new revelation for me, and unfortunately, for those closest to me.

Many years ago, a beautiful man said soon after meeting me, "The solution to all of your problems is a spiritual one." If only my head and heart had been open to that suggestion. Perhaps I would not find myself so lost and searching desperately for my authentic self.

Well, most of us know about hindsight. It's repulsive in it's accuracy. I am where I am and my only choice is to move forward. I'll admit it. I need spiritual bumpers. Something to believe in. Something to make the 'roll' down the lane to better things, better people, and a better me. I'm tired of gutter balls and zero scores.

A power greater than myself - be it nature, or a god, or a creative spirit of the universe...to act as my gutter bumpers. This is my long ignored, fervently denied, deficit. So, I'm sending out a message into the great beyond. Here I am. Guide me. Use me. Show me the way to peace and happiness before I throw in the towel and burn my bowling shoes.

PS...If I promise not to cheat the next time I'm the scorekeeper, could I talk you out of one or two strikes? Thanks.

between the lines,
me