Pee in the Pool

What a month it has been!

The Supreme Court has rocked our boats by relieving worries about affordable health care and bringing joy to same sex couples giving them the opportunity for marriage and divorce like the rest of us have so long endured!
The Confederate flag is about to assume a new place in history with an overdue and very graceless removal.
And most important, as they read the bible in their place of worship, nine lives were slain in the name of....the name of what? White supremacy, godlessness, racism?

I guess it's folklore or urban legend, as social media would call it, but I've heard that there is a chemical that can be placed in a swimming pool to detect the presence of urine. Come on. Be honest. How many of us have never peed in a pool.

I believe our country is the swimming pool. And guess what? President Obama's election was the chemical released into that pool. Except in this case, it was not urine that was discovered. No. The election of a black man to govern our country, brought racism to the surface. It's just like the pee. We hoped it wasn't, but we suspected racism was there all along.And we were right. It was just lying dormant, like a virus. Add the black man, and the virus of racism came right to the surface - in our attitudes, in our media, in our actions.

I so remember the day of Barack Obama's inauguration. The optimistic among us truly felt we were witnessing the beginning of new era - an era of love, compassion for one another, and a coming together like our nation had never felt before. Our new President sincerely believed his words and we enthusiastically joined in the joy and prospect of change and peace.

The derogatory and hateful comments aimed at our President have turned my stomach and saddened my heart. Some disagreement has been politically and ideologically construed, but many more have their roots in the color of his skin. The gains we thought had been made in race relations, seem to have dropped into quick sand.

The racial slurs, and inflammatory cartoons and articles toward minorities, have made me angry, hurt, and bewildered. The conscious and vocal attitude of bigotry have moved me to anger and insult. I've wanted to scream, more than once - Everybody out of the pool! It's dirty water, it's tainted, it's full of hatred, and yes, urine.

On the days when I believe in prayer, I pray that the end does justify the means. That the turmoil we are witnessing now is necessary to real change - that the horrible attitudes and hateful actions of the few, will open the hearts and minds of the learned, the lowly, the elderly, the poor, the rich, the white, the black - all Americans, all humans.

I'm barely able to handle one emotion at a time and so the events of the last few weeks have my brain about to burst. Juggling anger and sadness at racism, confusion with the marriage equality laws, the Confederate flag's removal, and the prospect of health insurance being yanked from millions, has had the committee in my head all participating in a filibuster, simultaneously.

But once I shushed the committee, I have, with much gratitude, found again a deep pride and hope for a nation that is so new and free that it can experience and adapt to monumental change, just as the minds and hearts of our people can and will, accept and expand. THIS is my prayer and my dream. I hope you share it too.

What I know for SURE...

Oprah pens what she 'knows for sure' on the last page of her magazine. I admire this lady for many reasons and especially because each month she arrives at and shares with her readers, some new, and often grand, awareness of her world and how she fits into it. It is what 'she knows for sure.'

And so today, after splurging on the purchase of and the time to read her latest issue, I ask myself, "What do I know for sure?"

The answer I find is sad, self-deprecating, funny, and predictable. I know absolutely NOTHING for sure. Like the honesty of politicians, the chances of winning the lottery, and the absolute certainty that it will rain if I wash my car, nothing in my world is written 'in stone.' The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm not sure of anything. 

Today may be the day when I start exercising, but the chances are slim. The yearning I have to become more spiritual may take root this month, but I'm already thinking of excuses why I can't go to a meditation meeting this week. The search for spirituality has no specific timeline, right? God, or Buddha, or my higher power surely know I'm trying to work them into my busy schedule. I pencil them in. I erase them. Just like my new year's resolutions. Intentions are sincere but time management is a thief. I've learned in recovery to put down the baseball bat that I beat myself up with but it's hard to lose that bat when it feels like it follows you everywhere you go. I've even thought of buying a real bat and just leaving it at home, but that's been on my to-do list for nearly a year now!

I tape pictures on my walls of the things I'm sure I'd like to add to my bucket list - flowers, animals, significant others, beautiful homes, best selling books. And when I've finished hanging them all, I step back, take a closer look and realize the man is too young, the flowers would require a full time gardener, the home is too expensive, and who would ever want to read MY book. Once again the bat has taken aim at what I know for sure. 

My favorite author, Anne Lamott, says, 'There is almost nothing outside of you, that will help you in any kind of lasting way, unless you are waiting for an organ. You can’t buy, achieve or date it. This is the most horrible truth.'

I'm gratefully not waiting on an organ donation, and the love, the garden, and the book deal seem out of reach at this moment. Perhaps my search for surety is aimed in the wrong direction. Maybe Oprah's stash of things she knows for sure, originate from inside herself.

So I will begin with the few things I do know for sure.

Life starts again every morning. No matter how dark the night before, the sun rises and the birds start to sing again. I know the tears will dry if I don't let them flood the space I occupy. I know for sure that regardless of the number of times I write down a task or a dream and don't follow through, life gives me another day and another chance to accomplish and cross it off my list. I know for sure that each painful memory will fade as it is nudged out by an unexpected joy, a new love, another unearned blessing.

I know for sure, that if I reach out, and step out, of my own way, all the things I need to know for sure, I will eventually know for sure. 

Until then.....progress, not perfection. 

Between the lines,