Self-Love. Today I’m thinking the world is separated into three
categories.
The first group – Those who innately experience self-love.
Love of self is part of their DNA, their core belief system. They’ve never
questioned if they have it, or why, because they’ve never known themselves
without it. They are the blessed. Born with it. Explaining the search for
self-love to this group is like describing childbirth to a male, or describing
the mindset of an alcoholic to a social drinker. No words nor new pair of
glasses can change the perspective when one can’t relate.
The second group – Those who don’t have it, don’t need it,
and have never felt the need to seek it out. They don’t know what they don’t
know. Perhaps fortunate in their lack of struggle to find an ethereal element
that can’t be GPSed like the nearest Starbucks or 7-11. How did we survive
before all the digital maps? In my case, all who wander are lost.
This group doesn’t wonder because they don’t feel lost. I
think about a few politicians and their followers who are on the news every
night. There is a difference between narcissism and self-love. Narcissism is
ego driven and we witness its ugliness in every word and in each of his
rallies.
And then there’s the group that I belong to. You’ll
recognize us because we’re often restless, irritable, and discontent. We’re
suffering from a lack of self-love. We know this kind of love exists. We see it
in others, but we don’t get it. Well, some of us get it, but we don’t know how
to GET it. Can’t buy it with our debit cards, can’t borrow it from someone
else, Google doesn’t have the answers, and even Siri is stumped when asked
about this concept.
“Self-love? I’m afraid I can’t help you with that, Lee Ann,”
replies Siri.
Some in this later group never saw self-love growing up.
Does a mother filled with self-love and respect stay for decades in a marriage
with an abusive husband? Can a child’s love for self flourish while overcoming
a father’s ridicule and verbal terrorism? Doubtful.
What is born is self-deprecation, missing self-esteem, and a
negative outlook that takes daily attitude reparation and adjustment. This
group may often find themselves starting their day over, because not to, would
be to slide into a dark hole of depression and hopelessness.
As I walk here in Denver, Colorado, today, I am reminded
that I walked this same sidewalk on a beautiful spring day last year. I
remember the air was crisp and cool. The brightly shining sun warmed the soft,
green spring grass. I took off my shoes and walked in the soft, emerald carpet.
It was the grass of my childhood unlike the coarse weeds we call grass in
Florida. Two bunnies were patient with me as I bent down and photographed them
where they played under a group of evergreens. It was a beautiful moment. I was
actually ‘in the moment,’ I think. But I ask myself, am I a better person than
I was a year ago when I walked here? Am I in a better place? Maybe. But I also
realize the elusive gift of self-love is still missing.
In my search for spirituality and peace, I have been reading
about Buddhist beliefs. There’s a lot of self-love in their principles. Maybe
that’s why I’m drawn to them. In contrast, being accused of sin and needing to
seek forgiveness, has never done much for me. For many years, I put a dollar in
the plate when it was passed, but I never found any solace in the organized
gathering of believers in churches. Maybe they weren’t offering up love for
oneself. Maybe that is why I still bristle at the word god when it is
capitalized.
So I pledge today to my group, to my fellow self-doubters,
we will find our way out. We won’t give up. We will learn. We will look inside
with our hearts instead of our heads. For only between our ears, live our
mistakes, regrets, and deficiencies. The void where self-love and all love
should live.
Today we will treat ourselves like we treat our best
friends. We will heal the child within that cries and guide the weary adult
within, who starts their day over.
I will love me. I hope she loves me back. I think she
will. J
